I Collect Nightmares

I dream a lot, but I rarely have nightmares. I think that if I ever found myself haunted by terrible dreams, I would self-prescribe a generous dose of Granny Weatherwax’s headology. So… when Björn, over at the Imaginary Garden with Real Toads, asked, “How about the nightly visits?” I responded with a poem inspired by Granny’s headology, in Terry Pratchett’s Maskerade.

.
I collect nightmares.

Petunia was my first, named
after a great-aunt, who forced me
into pink lace, taffeta and chiffon,
topped by a brain-shrinking tiara.

She wilts under black ink,
runs screaming
at the sight of comfy jeans.

.
The Prick, my second nightmare,
wears eyes, teeth and stink
that fit Aunt Petunia’s son.
She says The Prick doesn’t exist;
but armed me with couch-talk
and pills of fog, to quiet
what might lurk in my dark.

Talk and fog make poor weapons
against crooked teeth and eyes aflame.
To collect The Prick, I had to craft
a heavy Nightmare-Be-Naught Stick.

.
On days of turmoil, The Prick
has tried to creep into my sleep;
but my Stick breaks his teeth
and puts out his eyes
before he can spread his stink.

I collect nightmares… and Sticks.

.
Headology: “Granny Weatherwax had never heard of psychiatry and would have had no truck with it even if she had. There are some arts too black even for a witch. She practiced headology—practiced, in fact, until she was very good at it. And though there may be some superficial similarities between a psychiatrist and a headologist, there is a huge practical difference. A psychiatrist, dealing with a man who fears he is being followed by a large and terrible monster, will endeavor to convince him that monsters don’t exist. Granny Weatherwax would simply give him a chair to stand on and a very heavy stick.” ~ Maskerade

linked to Rereading My Pratchett

I Said No Bogeymen, by Zorm“I Said No Bogeymen”, by Zorm
(This illustration was inspired by Hogfather, a different Pratchett book. But the character’s reaction to the boogeyman makes me think that she, too, has heard of Granny’s headology.)

My Eyeballs Are Secured in Their Femaleness

My eyes are not the best listeners. I told them that we weren’t getting old—just deliciously experienced—but they still insisted on needing reading glasses. Since I’m not one to fight her own eyeballs, I went ahead and let them have the glasses… Besides, we can totally pull off the sexy-librarian-with-wild-hair look (our modesty is deliciously nonexistent *cough, cough*).

So… after an appointment with my ophthalmologist, I went to see the optician to get fitted for frames. The moment I saw the first frames, I knew I wanted them. I tried them on. They felt perfect. It was love at first magnification.

The optician began to chuckle and whisper with one of her colleagues. To me, she said, “Oh no, sweetie, those are made for men.”

“I know.” I had read the sign just above the frames’ display. “I still want them.”

“They are very masculine. They won’t look right. Try this.” She offered me a golden monstrosity with minuscule lenses.

“No, thanks very much, just fit me for the black frames,” I said, without touching the frames she thought were right for me.

While she wrote out my specific measurements, she started talking to her colleague, in Spanish, about my choice.

I stayed quiet, pretending I didn’t understand. I had been in the hospital almost all day, and didn’t feel like arguing. But when she told the other woman something about how it wasn’t going to be her fault that I was going to “walk around looking like a she-man idiot,” I lost it.

“Listen to me,” I said to her, in Spanish, “My face is mine and I wear what I please. If your ovaries and brain are so diminished that they keep you from doing your job in a professional manner, then move aside so that someone without ridiculous gender issues can take my order. While you are at it, tell your supervisor that I would like to speak to him or her.”

I must’ve been shouting because everyone in the (rather large) waiting room was very quiet. And I turned around to find the optician’s supervisor standing behind me. If I hadn’t been so mad, I would’ve probably laughed at the ludicrousness of the entire situation. But worry not, my Wicked Luvs, I got to laugh later… all by myself… while walking to the bus station… thinking, Hot damn! I should’ve told her that my eyeballs are secured in their femaleness.

Magaly Guerrero - Reading Glasses

She Fights for Healthy Hearts…

The other day, the Little Princess wanted to know what we were having for dinner.

“Chicken noodle soup,” I said.

She almost dropped the dish she had been washing. With her face scrunched up in disgust, she said (rather loudly), “Chicken noodle soup from a can? In what kind of house are we living in!”

After I was done roaring at her outrage, I told her that she well knew we didn’t eat soup from cans. “I’m making it from scratch, gorgeous, as always.”

“Oh,” she let out a sigh of relief, “We’re having Magaly soup then.”

.
The Little Princess is extremely health conscious, especially for a 10-year-old. This began the first time she participated in Jump Rope for Heart. She was very sad about the children and adults who had to live with heart disease. The moment she discovered that there were ways to prevent the illness, and that researchers were trying to find a cure, she was determined to help others and herself. Here is a bit about her views, in her own words:

“I am joining my coaches in raising money for the American Heart Association and we need your help! Lots of kids and adults around the world have heart disease and need people to help raise money for high costs of medicines. To get started, I donated all the money from Christmas, my birthday, and my allowance.

My coaches are teaching me about how to keep a heart healthy. Instead of soda, drink water and to add some flavor put a slice of fruit in it. Beware of high sodium because it can raise your blood pressure. Since last year, I have cut down on sugar, started to eat healthier foods, and I have not had a soda since then.

I hope you can help me save lives!”

~ Ella (AKA the Little Princess)

1 - JumpClick on the image or this LINK to join the Little Princess’ fight for healthy hearts
(no, my Luvs, I’ve no idea why so many of her LEGO mini figures are armed to the teeth)

And of course, she talks the talk and eats the food. This was her birthday menu for this year (in our family we get our favorite dishes on the anniversary of our birth):

2-MenuShe seems to have taken some poetic *cough* license with her spelling of “spaghetti”

3-Steel Cut OatsSteel cut oats with (unburned) pecans

4-Mashed Potatoes and Green BeansMashed potatoes and green beans

5 - Spaghetti, Salad and TostonesSpaghetti, tostones and salad (with my original raspberry dressing)

6 - Tilapia with TostoneI was still completely off meat, so I had tilapia baked in pineapple juice and dill

love likes to be fed
foods that fortify the heart—
I’ll slow cook cuddles
7 - Cuddles Haiku