Enjoys Intimidating Random Excuses for Human Beings

I shared this picture, and asked friends (from Facebook and Instagram), “What can you tell about the owner of this bedside table?” The responses show that many of my friends are very perceptive and, perhaps, slightly insane. They suggested the owner is neat, artistic, eclectic, spends a lot of time in bed, likes fishing, is a bohemian sci-fi gel pen collector, has a dark side, likes writing, loves Gothic things, has dry skin, values ordinary things, reads a lot… One response made me smile in a completely non-insane manner: a friend said the owner of the bedside table is “someone who likes to control and manipulate—in a good way.”

I smiled because I enjoy knowing that the way I treat my things tell a story that match my inside. I am, indeed, controlling… and manipulative… in a good way. I never try to control other people (since that’s unethical and tends to suck the energy out of everyone involved). But I use every skill and charm I possess to make sure that I can control my reactions to the way people behave towards me. It’s a powerful defense mechanism, my Wicked Luvs. The same is true about my kind of manipulation. I use that particular skill to crush the resolve of anyone who is silly enough to think they can shame me.

You are probably asking, “Where are you going with this, dearest?” Well, about two weeks ago, while a dear friend visited New York City (more on that soon), I wore my purse after not having done so for months. It was a final experiment. And it failed. My left side began to throb less than an hour into the trip, and my right shoulder was useless for days. Conclusion: must continue getting cozy with my wheeled bag and buy a hip purse (or thirteen).

I have yet to buy a hip purse. So, yesterday, when I got ready for a long walk, I packed my wheeled bag (medications, user-friendly toilet paper, water, a bit of food…). Then I realized that the damn thing was too big for comfort. I decided to rig my regular purse into a, yes, hip purse. I tightened the shoulder strap around my hips, but the strap was too long. I fed a sash through the loops that connect the purse to the strap, and secured the whole thing around my waist. I was ready… and quite proud of my crafty rig.

Halfway through my walk, I stopped at an office supplies store—a girl always needs more red pens. While I waited in line, I heard chuckles behind me. I thought nothing of it. Then a woman said, “Crazy hippies.” I was smiling inside. Crazy hippies are very cool. Then another voice, one that has never heard of the benefits of whispering, said, “If I ever go outside looking that stupid, hit me.” I turned around. And I’m not quite sure what made me do it. But… staring at the woman who had just spoken, I widened my eyes, and let my smile stretch until it became a mad grin that showed every single one of my teeth.

The woman backed into a display of notepads, knocking the whole thing to the floor. I laughed… And, perhaps, took the tiniest of jumps in her general direction. The gesture inspired her to move away from me and my teeth and walk quickly out of the store. I stopped laughing. But my grin was still mightily toothy when her friend looked back.

I walked home with an insane grin on my face, thinking, I should definitely add “Enjoys intimidating random excuses for human beings—in a good way” to my résumé. Now, if I could only figure out how to whip out the mad grin on command.

…my awesome rig…
I liked the effect of the flash, so I left it on.
Also, I took the photo right after I got back from my walk,
so… I had to protect you from mad-grin residue.
*mad cackles-infused giggles*

41 thoughts on “Enjoys Intimidating Random Excuses for Human Beings

  1. You should get one of those mei tai baby wraps. They are so cool. They’re for carrying your baby on your chest/tummy. But they’re designed to NOT hurt your shoulders or back. Anyway, look up pictures and see if you could rig some kind of front pouch that way. Or with a Moby Wrap. I really think that might work. They’re so soft and comfy.

    • The nerves on my back are a bit of a mess. So I can’t wear anything that puts any kind of pressure around the muscles of my neck or back (not even a bra). I’ve been using a wheeled bag for a few years. I just lost the ability to carry a purse (or wear a bra) a few months ago. But, hey, life happens and we happen with it… and sometimes, we get a new hip purse out of the deal. 😀

    • Individuals like her don’t deserve the legal problems we would have if we give in to the punching monster. But, yes, I must admit that for a second or three the idea of seeing her teeth scattered on the dirty floor doesn’t look all that unappealing. 😉

  2. Why on earth would someone be as rude as that woman??? If you don’t like something, don’t wear it. If you behave like a drunk, shit-flinging monkey, be prepared for the response.

    I like your hip purse.

    • It is a rather pricey messenger bag. I got it some years ago. I blogged about it, since I’m extremely proud of the fact that I haggled with the seller until he sold it to me for a third of the price.

      Some people’s children are not blessed with the ability to think… or care/

  3. I don’t see what is so weird about your ‘rig’?! please explain why she laughed? btw, what u did to the woman is exactly what I thought you would do or rather what I would do… Maybe mine would of been more verbal! LOL…

    • She might’ve felt inspired by the wee skulls on my crochet headband or by the pair of glittery scarves I wore to my neck from cool air. Who knows.

      I surprised myself because 99 percent of the time I would just ignore her behavior. Some people don’t really deserve our time.

    • I laughed all the way home, thinking, You’d think that someone willing to be that vocal with her criticism would be such a coward. Then again, we all know that most cowardly acts performed by bullies who look brave only until someone confronts them.

  4. people are awfully judgmental. though I might have opted for shame instead of fright by asking her if she was judging me when she knows absolutely nothing about me or why I found it necessary to strap my purse to my hip.

    • When I’m at my coolest, I make sure people know the why behind my bag, the pillow I sit on, the lifting of my leg… What happened yesterday was sort of primal, and unexpected. It felt a tad surreal.

  5. Magaly is this a true story? A person could truly be that rude? Its awful you had to endure such treatment! I wish I had been with you. I LOVE Diandra’s comment and would not have hesitated to tell that woman (or both) what a shit flinging monkey she is…to her face. What joy that would have been for me and I would have maybe embarrassed you. You were far too nice. Bitch better watch out for karma! XO

    • It’s funny you say that. NYC is a wonderful place–full of great people and some really disgusting people. Oh, the funny part… I was on my way back from the hospital when you left this message, and my husband and I stopped by the thrift shop. I was just checking my phone notifications, when a woman about my age, was verbally assaulting an old lady. The old lady had found some really pretty glasses, and the woman pulled three of them out of the old lady’s basket. When the old lady asked her to put them back, the woman told her that the glasses belonged to no one, since no one had paid for them yet. The thrift shop was full of people and no one did a thing. I drifted towards them because I heard the commotion. I made the woman give the glasses back. I was so angry, but felt all better when I saw the gratefulness on the face of the old lady. My husband and I were saying the same thing you said, how could anyone be that rude and that heartless!

      Thank goodness the world has many wonderful people who make up the difference.

  6. Oh Magaly! Your “hip purse” is awesome. I too have issues with using purses or totes (even though I make them) and have been called a “hippie” for the past 45 years. Some styles never go out of style, in my opinion. Actually I take it as a compliment. And now you have given me a great idea as to how to go out and not carry only what I can fit into my jean pockets. Thank you so much…and keep on grinning!

  7. I’m stunned by the number of times you have written about people offering unwanted advice or loud derogatory remarks. I saw the photo before reading your post and I honestly didn’t notice your purse, I was just looking at the wild flash effect. It doesn’t look weird to me at all. Certainly not anything that someone would feel the necessity to pass public judgement on. What the hell is wrong with people?!!!

    • You know, I was just thinking about that… The handful of witching living posts I’ve shared these last few months kind of suggest that I’m always meeting a-holes everywhere, lol! And that isn’t true. There are so many wonderful ones, who have helped me out of tight spots… and who have soothed me when I needed it most. And I’m not talking about friends, but perfect stranger. I think I will write about that next. Because we need balance. And we need to remember that goodwill is not a dead thing.

      Oh, and I really liked this picture. It was just… BOOM! *hehehe*

  8. It is now a life goal of mine to at least come close to your mad, tooth-gleaming grin… I think I might be almost there now… sitting on my porch, coffee in hand, reading about your pen shopping exploits with my own mad grin splitting my cheeks. XOXO

  9. Haha! How wonderful! I love your skills at scaring fools! That hip bag looks good, and as for hippies well there are some great fancy ones online you can get, shaped like leaves and such! And why not? I think Steampunks would appreciate how you rigged up your bag, too!

  10. You are brilliant! Have I told you lately how much I love you! I would have love to been there, while you showed off your amazing teeth and grin!!! Keep kicking ass girl! I love the photo! I think what you did with your bag is fantastic! Cleaver hippie girl! Big Hugs 🙂

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